A lot of people don't know much about mayonnaise, and some don't even care for it. I feel sorry for those people. I am surprised they don't just kill themselves, and probably will. After all, the bible tells us that if you kill yourself you won't go to heaven and people who have died and came back all report on seeing a bright white light, and people who know more than I do about the afterlife, all speculate that this might have been mayonnaise. Ask Jeeves, if you haven't researched this already as I have. Or just take my word for it, as a bona fide fact.
Myself, I feel am a connoisseur, of Mayo. (Short for Mayonnaise.) I can even make mayonnaise in my own home, but don't often do it unless I am feeling like plugging in the food processor which I do now and then even though electricity in Mactan will cost you about a dollar a minute. But despite that, I will still make my own mayo now and then when I am not busy with other daily tasks, such as spinning eggs to see which are hard boiled and which are raw.
Mayonnaise is basically the fifth food group. As I recall the four food groups are Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, and Bread. And it is the only one of the five food groups that will also stop a door hinge from squeaking or that you can use if you haven't got cream rinse. But if you use it as cream rinse make sure you rinse well or you will draw flies. If you already draw flies. you're probably friends with David Letterman. He used to be funny and now he just stinks.
If you are thinking about moving here to Mactan Island and you like mayonnaise, I have written this for you.
In the USA you can find several brands of mayonnaise which are usable and palatable. It has been 12 or 13 years since I moved to Mactan Island, Philippines, from the USA, and I can't recall all the names. A&P made a good one. Heinz Mayo is ok. But here in Mactan you'll only find one which is good.. Best Foods. Don't be going and trying no Lady's Choice or nothin else. You might as well just throw your money in the road outside the grocery store if you don't listen to me. It's got to be Best Foods Mayonnaise. The local folks here don't know nothin' about good Mayonnaise, and are just now discovering mustard and hot dog buns although they've been eating hot dog weenies for years thinkin it was meat for fine spaghetti.
All you Mayonnaise fans that want to move here be aware. There ain't no Hellmann's brand here! Ok, Kraft Mayo will do if you can't find Best Foods.
But now that I done knocked the breath out of you with the news about Hellman's, now here's the good news : Best Foods IS Hellman's. All over the civilized mayonnaise eating world, this is a fact. Even in the USA, they are one and the same. I have revealed this news to several Americans that I have met here when the subject of Mayonnaise inevitably comes up, and I have always been shocked to meet an American who did not know that Hellman's and Best Foods Mayonnaise are one and the same. But as I came to know those particular individuals better, I discovered that they weren't pushing the tooth paste from the bottom, they put the whole top of a coke bottle in their mouth when they drink, and they openly boast of saving money by not wearing underwear.
These are the kind of Americans who heretofore have taken mayonnaise for granted all their lives, and shouldn't be coming to Mactan or going anywhere else, except maybe Detroit, Michigan where I hear you can now buy a house for a dollar. If you are one of these kinds of people, let me advise you to go buy your dollar Detroit house and stop reading this and stop acting like you can tell one mayo from another; just buy the store brand, stay in the USA, and save your money for your Detroit house note.
Myself, I feel am a connoisseur, of Mayo. (Short for Mayonnaise.) I can even make mayonnaise in my own home, but don't often do it unless I am feeling like plugging in the food processor which I do now and then even though electricity in Mactan will cost you about a dollar a minute. But despite that, I will still make my own mayo now and then when I am not busy with other daily tasks, such as spinning eggs to see which are hard boiled and which are raw.
Mayonnaise is basically the fifth food group. As I recall the four food groups are Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato, and Bread. And it is the only one of the five food groups that will also stop a door hinge from squeaking or that you can use if you haven't got cream rinse. But if you use it as cream rinse make sure you rinse well or you will draw flies. If you already draw flies. you're probably friends with David Letterman. He used to be funny and now he just stinks.
If you are thinking about moving here to Mactan Island and you like mayonnaise, I have written this for you.
In the USA you can find several brands of mayonnaise which are usable and palatable. It has been 12 or 13 years since I moved to Mactan Island, Philippines, from the USA, and I can't recall all the names. A&P made a good one. Heinz Mayo is ok. But here in Mactan you'll only find one which is good.. Best Foods. Don't be going and trying no Lady's Choice or nothin else. You might as well just throw your money in the road outside the grocery store if you don't listen to me. It's got to be Best Foods Mayonnaise. The local folks here don't know nothin' about good Mayonnaise, and are just now discovering mustard and hot dog buns although they've been eating hot dog weenies for years thinkin it was meat for fine spaghetti.
All you Mayonnaise fans that want to move here be aware. There ain't no Hellmann's brand here! Ok, Kraft Mayo will do if you can't find Best Foods.
But now that I done knocked the breath out of you with the news about Hellman's, now here's the good news : Best Foods IS Hellman's. All over the civilized mayonnaise eating world, this is a fact. Even in the USA, they are one and the same. I have revealed this news to several Americans that I have met here when the subject of Mayonnaise inevitably comes up, and I have always been shocked to meet an American who did not know that Hellman's and Best Foods Mayonnaise are one and the same. But as I came to know those particular individuals better, I discovered that they weren't pushing the tooth paste from the bottom, they put the whole top of a coke bottle in their mouth when they drink, and they openly boast of saving money by not wearing underwear.
These are the kind of Americans who heretofore have taken mayonnaise for granted all their lives, and shouldn't be coming to Mactan or going anywhere else, except maybe Detroit, Michigan where I hear you can now buy a house for a dollar. If you are one of these kinds of people, let me advise you to go buy your dollar Detroit house and stop reading this and stop acting like you can tell one mayo from another; just buy the store brand, stay in the USA, and save your money for your Detroit house note.
If you are from England, you have no need whatsover to worry about the Mayonnaise supply here on Mactan Island. Just buy any Mayo that has a label you find written in Old English. For it is a fact that Brits historically like fancy labels and actually invented them. If you've ever visited England or even conversed with a Brit for ten years, one day, you quickly realize that theydon't know french fries from chips or newspapers from wax paper or biscuits from cookies, mush from oatmeal, or pudding from soggy bread, cologne from leather, or who won WWII or which side of the road to drive on.
Perhaps the lack of a Proper Mayonnaise somehow distorts the thinking process. After all, the Brits confuse me and my, and gender as well. That bloke's me mate, is okay if it's Sir Elton John you're shooting the breeze with.
Could it be that Proper Mayo is as important to mental development as iodine? This could explain why they ruined the career of Jerry Lee Lewis by raising an stink over him marrying his Third cousin, yet never voiced a concern that their ever entertaining Royal Family has married First cousins SEVEN times. Great Balls Of Fire. That explains those ears.
But that's all water under the bridge since the United Kingdom did give the world the Beatles, although the poor Liverpools lads did have to migrate to Germany and get famous before the British accidentally noticed that skiffle sucked. As did their mentor and benefactor, Brian Epstein.
Take a look at Prince Charles and you can see in his face that my brief compendium on mayonnaise and the afterlife, the Beatles, wax paper, and WWII is, every bit, an undeniable fact. Look it up on Wikipedia. It's there, somewhere, and it it's not, contact me and I'll put it there. Matter of fact, I recently saw on television, maybe it was the Discovery Channel or the the Alligator Hunting Channel, that the lack of Good Mayonnaise is responsible for the fact that Queen Elizabeth sees no reason to step down and let poor Prince Charles wear one of those crowns the family has on the top shelf of the coat closet behind two cases of, Bailey's.
But it's all a moot point. Even if the beloved Queen called Charlie into the Royal Living Room for a game of cribbage and told him "I'm tired of waving and smiling and riding through horse poop in the Royal Carriage, son; it's time for you to take over the job," nothing would change. The Island Nation still would lack the mental acuity or palate to distinguish Elmer's Glue from Mayonnaise. So Keep On Smiling Elizabeth and Wave to the Crowd, it's all so very Royal. And Royal is a Fine Orange Soda that goes quite well with a Mayonnaise and Fried Bologna sandwich. But Alas, there is no proper Bologna anywhere except the USA. I may write about that later, but I doubt it. The thought of never having Oscar Mayer Bologna again always makes me realize how fleeting and cruel life can be.
I have to end this now, as I am upset, but I leave you with one more Mayo Fact that I have heard from reliable sources that asked me not to reveal their true identities. Bill and Hillary take along a big jar of Hellmann's whenever they are invited to dine with the Queen or Mick Jagger.
To sum it all up. Buy the big jar.
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